Nathanial

I was blessed to find out in July 2017 that I was pregnant with my first child. Being older and having trouble conceiving, I couldn’t believe the wonderful news that I was going to bring my first child into this world. As with all pregnancies I was both excited and nervous at the same time. All the “what if” questions raced through my mind, all the while I was looking forward to having a family. As the months went by I watched my baby grow with excitement, hearing his heartbeat and seeing him develop was just amazing.

It wasn’t until his 12 week scan I began to worry. The results came back with a 1/8 chance that Nathanial would have Trisomy 18 and I spoke to the Consultant who told me that there may be a problem. I talked and tried to not worry, I then had a 16 week scan and this is when my world fell apart, my son had cysts on his brain, only breathing from one heart chamber and exomphalos, which is a birth defect of the abdominal (belly) wall. The infant's intestines, liver, or other organs stick outside of the belly through the belly button. I spoke to the Consultant and he advised me to do an Amniocentesis, which I was against but knew I had to have conclusive results. Unfortunately, the test confirmed that Nathanial had full Trisomy 18 and would probably not make it or die very young.

I was heartbroken, all the questions about why me, how could this happen, did I do something wrong, etc. raced through my mind. I spoke to my Consultant and he was fantastic and very patient with me as I researched my son’s condition and looked at ways I could care for him. My Consultant was very matter of fact and honest about everything, even though it was hard to hear which I needed. A few weeks or so later Nathanial was delivered but did not survive. I had phenomenal nursing staff, who truly helped make a terrible situation a little better.

Through all of this I was blessed to have him and hold him. I was able to be with him overnight before I gave him to the nurse for the final time and before the funeral. He is now in heaven with my dad looking down upon us, and I only hope he knows what he means to me. Life is so fragile and precious and each and every moment counts in this world and Nathanial brought that to me. A memory I will never forget.

A year has passed, I decided to honor him by having a balloon release. I have been grieving since the day I found out his faith. At first, I was told how strong I was but now I’m not so sure, I’ve been falling apart on the inside and the outside.

Losing Nathanial was the worst thing I have ever gone through. My soul is shattered, he should be with me instead of being my angel in heaven. In the short time I had with him, Nathanial taught me so much about life and love. He taught me to not take anything for granted. Life is short. Celebrate everything.