Coping with Grief - For Men

In his latest article, SOFT UK Trustee Gareth Glendinning talks about coping with grief as a man. Gareth lost his daughter Phoebe in 2006 to Trisomy 18.

Losing a loved one is something we will all experience but the loss of a child is particularly difficult. We feel that we should always outlive our children and my personal experience is that there if nothing more difficult than arranging a child’s funeral.

Men tend to internalise grief – I know I did. I locked it away in a box in the deepest recesses of my soul. I had to be strong for everyone around me particularly my wife and son.

Like most people, I was completely unprepared for the loss. Heartbreakingly unaware of the effects it was taking on me. Trying to provide the support function while not being able to identify that I needed help too drove me on an ever decreasing spiral but seeming to be completely level, calm and coping externally.

After what felt like an eternity, I felt completely unable to manage anymore. I was using work as a coping mechanism and was spending an increasing amount of time in the office. I lost a substantial among of weight as I wasn’t eating or sleeping. I needed to break the cycle.

After an ‘intervention’ one Christmas, I broke down and let everything out. I had to allow myself to grieve and finally started to listen to my own thoughts and feelings.

I started to let people in, I started talking about what I had been going through and I took time off work. I realised that I didn’t have to be the strong one all of the time. I could rely on those who I had given support to and ask for help in return.

Admitting you have a problem, any problem, is always the first step in healing. I had never felt able, as a man, to ask until it was almost to late. Almost too late for my job, my family and my health.

Most of my tears are shed when I was alone, usually driving, running or alone at work and until I was ready to face the grief inside and be ready to let it out.

If you are there right now, listen to your body and the loved ones around you and know that you can ask for help. Knowing, however, isn’t enough. Take a breath and ask for the help you need.

Gareth Glendinning

SOFT UK Trustee